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On Mixed Drinks
Jan. 22nd, 2018 09:07 pmI'm procrastinating from writing a piece of situation-specific poetry for tomorrow's mini-Burns Night before the regular pub sing (called "To a Vegetarian Haggis") in order to write this post.
Last night, just as I was going to sleep, I dreamed I invented a cocktail that was a cross between a Moscow Mule and a bourbon sidecar, that it was horrible, the kind of horrible you have to work to achieve, and that I called it a Dog Fart GoKart. I woke myself up by roaring with laughter. I don't know why the hell I find this so funny, but I do. This is the first time in weeks I've laughed from pure joy, rather than from contact with someone else's happiness or a need to fit in with a group.
There is no option but to give a recipe, so here I am inventing it on the spot. It's not a drink so much as a bonding experience.
The Dog Fart GoKart
(for seven)
12-oz bottle store-brand lemon-lime soda
12-oz bottle Moxie
4 oz. Everclear
2 oz. Jim Beam
1 oz. Cointreau
1 squirt of ReaLemon
1 teaspoon Tang powder
1 tablespoon blackstrap molasses
Zest of one lime
One packet of Emergen-C or similar fizzy citrus vitamin drink powder
Crystallized ginger for garnish
***
Buy a liter bottle of store-brand lemon-lime soda and drink all but 12 ounces, using a kitchen scale to reconcile your metric vs. American sensibilities. Pour or shove all the other ingredients down the neck of the bottle, screw the top back on, and shake it. Let it recover and shake it again, and repeat till the powder ingredients have mostly stopped being lumps. Set it down till it won't explode when you open it. Summon six people into a circle and make sure they've washed their hands. Open the bottle with caution and pour it into their cupped hands, reserving one ounce of liquid in the bottle. Plunk one cube of crystallized ginger into each Dog Fart GoKart. Make everyone drink out of their hands and then eat the ginger. Pour bottle contents into cupped nondominant hand and drink it, then eat the ginger. Get everyone to lick their hands clean. Cooperative licking of sticky hands clean is permitted but must happen in mutually consenting pairs and groups. Put the bottle in the recycling. And of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Last night, just as I was going to sleep, I dreamed I invented a cocktail that was a cross between a Moscow Mule and a bourbon sidecar, that it was horrible, the kind of horrible you have to work to achieve, and that I called it a Dog Fart GoKart. I woke myself up by roaring with laughter. I don't know why the hell I find this so funny, but I do. This is the first time in weeks I've laughed from pure joy, rather than from contact with someone else's happiness or a need to fit in with a group.
There is no option but to give a recipe, so here I am inventing it on the spot. It's not a drink so much as a bonding experience.
The Dog Fart GoKart
(for seven)
12-oz bottle store-brand lemon-lime soda
12-oz bottle Moxie
4 oz. Everclear
2 oz. Jim Beam
1 oz. Cointreau
1 squirt of ReaLemon
1 teaspoon Tang powder
1 tablespoon blackstrap molasses
Zest of one lime
One packet of Emergen-C or similar fizzy citrus vitamin drink powder
Crystallized ginger for garnish
***
Buy a liter bottle of store-brand lemon-lime soda and drink all but 12 ounces, using a kitchen scale to reconcile your metric vs. American sensibilities. Pour or shove all the other ingredients down the neck of the bottle, screw the top back on, and shake it. Let it recover and shake it again, and repeat till the powder ingredients have mostly stopped being lumps. Set it down till it won't explode when you open it. Summon six people into a circle and make sure they've washed their hands. Open the bottle with caution and pour it into their cupped hands, reserving one ounce of liquid in the bottle. Plunk one cube of crystallized ginger into each Dog Fart GoKart. Make everyone drink out of their hands and then eat the ginger. Pour bottle contents into cupped nondominant hand and drink it, then eat the ginger. Get everyone to lick their hands clean. Cooperative licking of sticky hands clean is permitted but must happen in mutually consenting pairs and groups. Put the bottle in the recycling. And of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
